BIG MOOD: me + you + a cabin in the mountains, sitting in the hot tub, drink in hand, not a care in the world

Purim: They tried to kill us, we survived. Let’s tell the story, wear silly costumes, and get wasted. (Optional: have a carnival or a play!)

Passover: They enslaved us, God freed us. Remember this via a big ceremony/feast and then don’t eat bread for a week. This is a big one; you’re going to have to clean your house and host all your relatives.

Tu B'Shevat: It’s Earth Day, let’s eat some fruit.

Simchas Torah: We read the entire Torah every year, and we got to the end! Let’s have a dance party and then start all over again!

Tisha B'Av: They destroyed our temples. That sucked.

Rosh HaShanah: Happy New Year! It’s time to ask (and grant) forgiveness for the wrongs done in the past year, pledge to do better, and wish for a sweet new year. And go to synagogue for HOURS.

Yom Kippur: Rosh HaShanah’s somber counterpart. God decides on this day your fate for the next year. Repent your sins, hope for forgiveness, and fast. (And go to synagogue for HOURS.)

Yom HaShoah: Holocaust Remembrance Day.

Sukkot: Harvest festival! Sleep in a hut under the stars.

Shemini Atzeret: Man, I don’t even know?

Shavuot: God gave us the Torah! That was pretty nice of him.

Chanukah: They busted up our temple and tried to forcibly convert us. We responded with guerilla warfare. Let’s eat some fried food. Candles!

So basically the entire Jewish holiday calendar is giving the middle finger to death and high-fiving, with or without various combinations of prayer and foods.

Yup. Or as we say, “They tried to kill us, we survived, let’s eat.”

thank you for the desc’s bcs they are beautiful and i am now educated

A handy table for everyone:

Y’all have no idea how happy it makes me to see my goyim followers reblogging this. Really. It means the world to me.

Okay that table is a work of art

tag urself im people who in many instances have absolutely no clue what they are doing

I think I may have woken up my sister laughing at this post

Goodnight too... The Marxists, the anarchists, the agitators, the looters, and people who in many instances have no clue what they are doing.

I wait anxiously at the gates of heaven as Koko the Gorilla speed-reads my entire case file containing all of the events of my life, letting out a solitary “Heh” upon reaching the cause of death: “Torn apart by monkeys”

me: [vibrating slightly because I had too much caffeine] everything in the world is my fault

not to be insensitive but some of the salem witch trials were so funny bitches like “i saw her at the devils sacrament!!!” girl... what were YOU doing at the devils sacrament 👀

rah rah rasputin something something sour cream

He was a cat that smoked a whole bong

me making what is unmistakably a bad choice: lol 

do you ever have a good url just to flex on 90% of tumblr users

no

yes

🍞🍓Breakfast🍓🍞

“hey bruh lemme stuff this toilet with ps1′s. im gone kill the tumblr game with this one”

What?